Worst joke.......

http://xkcd.com/

Registered Insane Linux User # 003

Patty MacDuffie
Computer Haven Admin 

Live Long and Prosper
Mr. Spock

THE MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS:
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened."

“Well it just goes to show you. It’s always something.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” __Roseanne Roseannadanna

Terry Ritivoy

That's not a joke...  That's a sig line! :)   LOL

Patty MacDuffie
Computer Haven Admin 

Live Long and Prosper
Mr. Spock

I hate Hedgehogs...... Why don't they just share the hedge.

Pugnacious Mcgillycuddy. MCC. 

Sweat saves blood but common sense saves sweat and blood.

MacDuffie


That's not a joke...  That's a sig line! :)   LOL

 

 Ah yes, these shoes are getting more comfortable everyday that passes...sigh!

“Well it just goes to show you. It’s always something.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” __Roseanne Roseannadanna

Terry Ritivoy

Actual Australian Court Docket 12659

 
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the
smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
the man arrested.
 
The case came up in court.
 
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
 
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. 
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.  

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and
sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'....
I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

“Well it just goes to show you. It’s always something.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” __Roseanne Roseannadanna

Terry Ritivoy

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Registered Insane Linux User # 003

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" .

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling..

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show......

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

Registered Insane Linux User # 003

GROOOOAAAAN!

The Cowboy Boots
( Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Red Deer teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she
struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little Feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
 

She will be eligible for parole in three years

Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com/

Priceless Joan, and true

Acadia

"Security is always excessive until it's not enough." - Robbie Sinclair, Country Energy, NSW Australia

Old Timer Sex ... 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.  This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.  Is there some sort of secret to this?'
 
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
 

“Well it just goes to show you. It’s always something.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” __Roseanne Roseannadanna

Terry Ritivoy

Just found this on another forum,

Reasons not to mess with children.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
---------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
-------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com/

And here's another from the same place.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do multiplication without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe, but you asked how I spell it.

TEACHER: Don, what's the chemical formula for water?
DON: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: What?
DON: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Barry, why are you always so dirty?
BARRY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Now, George Washington chopped down the cherry tree and admitted it to his father; why didn't his father punish him?
SANDY: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Do you say your prayers before dinner, Simon?
SIMON: Don't have to - my mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call someone who keeps talking even when nobody else is listening?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com/

These are great, Joan!  Thanks!

Patty MacDuffie
Computer Haven Admin 

Live Long and Prosper
Mr. Spock

Joan, they are absolutely funny! Haha, they must have been collected in Welsh schools!
Thank you for another good laugh on CH!

Rike
"Time is what prevents everything from happening at once." - John Archibald Wheeler

I don't know where they were taken from Ulrike as I got them from another forum I belong to but my guess would be from America.

I thought they were good, so glad you and Patty think so as well

Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com/

This isn't really a joke but rather a humorous truth. I did did not author this. I received it from a friend and thought it was worth sharing.
 
BEING BRITISH & The English Language
 
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub where we drink a Belgian beer. On the way home we pick up an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab. Then we sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Most of all we're very suspicious of anything foreign.

More than that, only in Britain can you get a pizza quicker than an ambulance; only in Britain do banks leave both doors open, but chain the pens to the counter; only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can get their fags at the front.

We might be British, but you can't deny that we're bloody funny.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, 
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. 

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, 
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, 
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; 
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ..
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, 
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. 
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? 
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. 
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language 
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop,  how come Mother's not Mop? 

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN

PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS GERMS!!!

“Well it just goes to show you. It’s always something.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” __Roseanne Roseannadanna

Terry Ritivoy